i guess...

there are certain things that you just can't run away from. after hours of deep, pensive thinking i have come to the realization that i have always felt a certain "uneasiness"/discontent and i have only been ignoring it. i guess it's time for me to do something about it.

but i fear alot... like my lack of willpower. mere temporary change. change at all. but when i really do remember that gut-wrenching feeling of being alone, lacking any inner peace, it reminds me that i never want to feel like that again. i thought that i had grown out of it, really. but i guess that i just eclipsed it by occupying the space in my mind with other trivial matters. silly me.

this may sound crazy but a part of me really wants to go to church and have that comfort. but another big part of me is really reluctant to deal with the kinds of people ive seen at churches. and i really dont want to let go of my lifestyle as it is. i think its just most important for me to find a balance between the two, but i hate how my mom tries to force me always to do more. ugh.

but i think honestly, i just need something to hope in. i dont care if its intangible and hard to understand anymore, i just need comfort. because just hoping in myself is just not enough, and i always end up disappointing myself. all i can say is, baby steps.

i don't know why, but i feel sort of foolish and somewhat hypocritical but im glad i have supportive friends who would be proud of this.

thinking has seriously kept me up. i was tired like 40 minutes ago but now i'm wide awake :[